watched henry eat 36 chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger today. ridiculous XD
went back to whitmore today which was so terribly exciting.
but anyway. i'm still confused and really conflicted about a great deal of things. i don't know what to do at all and i hate being at such a loss for what to say. me being lost for words really doesn't occur often, and i don't like it. i don't like this feeling at all. it makes me feel useless and stupid. and i feel like i want to dive right back into the pit and forget everything i worked for. i've been terrified for a good two months because i don't have anything to hide behind anymore because i decided to start over and keep my problems somewhere else. and i can't keep it up. and i'm scared that i can't keep up. and i honestly don't know what to do. i don't even want to go to college tomorrow. i don't want to do anything at all. i just want to lie here and listen to the rain on my window.
and i feel nauseous at the thought of anyone knowing everything. i feel physically sick to know that anyone could understand everything and it's terrifying. this is why i don't want to fall in love again. this is why i can't breathe past the pain you cause. talking about it - no, typing it - is making me more and more scared and i can just imagine you in my head talking to me and telling you understand and meaning it and i just want to run as far away as i can. i just want to go home to hong kong and have an apartment in wanchai and share it with degenerates and drink whisky all day so i don't have to let anyone know. i don't think this country does me any favours. i have too much time here to think about everything that's wrong with me. and everything here reminds me of a time when things were good and then they got bad very quickly. and it's so lonely here. terence is at uni and i hate my mother half the time so where can i find what i need? i know if i'd never come here then i'd be on meth or something by now, but i'm not sure that i like how i've become here either. it's just not good. at all.